Poetically Chaotic, Romantically Kinetic

Preparation for the military life

2009-11-05T03:58:57Z

I'm currently in Sacramento. I will becwaking up at 3:30 in the morning for a quick jog and to be on my way with others to the military testing center where we will undergo a thorough physical and psychiatric evaluation.

I'm not so nervous about that- but talking with my roomate for the night tells me I need to be training significantly harder and more often than I have been. I need to be able to run at least 5 miles straight- at 8 minutes per mike. He told me to run until I puke- daily.

I know I can do this. I'm sitting here awaiting our meeting- doubting myself (although I know that doubt is fatal).

I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

The list of things I must train in before shipping out for bootcamp:

-Running
-Push ups
-Sit ups
-Pullups (but not as vital)
-Mindfulness and mental strength (meditation)
-Yoga

I think that growing competence in these areas will arm me with the right amount of strength in the right areas to do well.

Mental strength is the most important-

I know I can do this. I know I can.

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Preparation for the military life

2009-11-05T03:58:56Z

I know I can do this. I'm sitting here awaiting our meeting- doubting myself (although I know that doubt is fatal).

I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

The list of things I must train in before shipping out for bootcamp:

-Running
-Push ups
-Sit ups
-Pullups (but not as vital)
-Mindfulness and mental strength (meditation)
-Yoga

I think that growing competence in these areas will arm me with the right amount of strength in the right areas to do well.

Mental strength is the most important-

I know I can do this. I know I can.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Fuck you, Reno!

2009-09-08T11:01:04Z

So here we go and here I am again, realizing the full meaning of months of prayer and practice for continual self transformation. It is during times like this when I hear the old saying: "Be careful watch you wish because you just might get it."</p>

Years ago I was one unhappy boy (for many reasons), and although I still am not what I would consider happy (one is never"> 'happy' during times like these), I have literally transformed my self and my life significantly, positively, and dramatically. There have been mountains (I laugh because I hear that cheesy Miley Cyrus song in my head- but it's so appropriate), and I have known many sadnesses and losses that I would never have had the opportunity to experience, I have still known many wonderful, joyful things- like love and companionship, self-esteem and confidence, sex and pleasure, spirituality and enlightenment.

I must remind myself of this as I make my journey to San Diego- that although I am leaving this city and all of the horrible experiences and people that I have met, known, loved, and lost here, there was still a purpose for my time here. I still had many opportunities to grow and learn about myself, other people and the world..... about life. I believe that this moment began.....well, the very moment I moved here- or perhaps the moment I burst forth from my mother's body. Who knows? Every moment in our lives is so very dependent on every moment that came before it that you never really know what caused anything? Everything caused it. But in fact- the significant moments began months ago, when I found that the friends I had in my life weren't in fact my friends. I discovered that they would turn on me in a moments notice- and they began to do so because I had changed, indeed. Suddenly, I was not the Chris Bass that was on my knees begging for their friendship, apologizing for things that weren't my fault, taking the blame and responsibility for things that weren't mine. They may have used my financial mistakes at the time (which weren't truly that significant) to fuck me over- but if it were not that, it would have been something else. (But today, I have found that I have forgiven them, because I feel sorry for them. They were scared, and lost a truly wonderful person in their life. Their feelings of inadequacy caused this, and I have no choice but to forgive them, and release them entirely from my being. So may it be.) I found Brian and fell in love, and he loved me. I left the house with the friends I had known and cared about for 8 years and moved in with him temporarily to get on my feet and have some peace. It didn't work out well. Brian was who he was- loving, attentive, generous, attractive, wonderful, but insecure, possessive, hot headed, physically aggressive, dependent on substances. And so I left, and moved in with a guy (and his three roomates) whom I had dated for 2 months a year and a half ago (at the time). We had become friends and he and his roomates offered me a room. I continued to work at UPS, and Brian and I grew closer than ever. And then I began to feel unfulfilled- not only with Brian, but also with my life, and my unfulfillment was evident to Brian, and it frightened him. He was frightened of being left again, and we decided to seperate before we got in over our heads. It's a very sad story, because we both loved each other the best way we knew how- but although our chemistry was right, the time was not, and it was over. I had begun feeling very unhappy with my job quite a long time ago, but tolerated it, and continued to challenge myself to overcome the barriers and difficulties that I was encountering there. I tried, and succeeded in many ways, however, in others I did not. I found a job as a server and bartender at a private golf course here in Reno, and one day, when I had grown tired of being called names and treated like I was shit by coworkers and a few bosses, I walked out of UPS with my gold aviator sunglasses on, and two middle fingers stretched out in the air, and worked at the golf course full time. It was exciting and wonderful for a couple of months- I thought I had found a job that I truly loved. I was working harder, and working longer, but making just as much (and sometimes more) than I was at UPS. At first glance, the people I worked with seemed wonderful and accepting. However, over time, their true personalities began to show bright. I found myself being accused of theft behind closed doors, although they were unwilling to view videos from the security cameras (they wanted to just accuse and slander, not to prove anything). I found myself lied to and manipulated by my manager. I found the coworkers that I befriended slandering me with cruel words and lies. I found myself accused of unjustifiable, unproved things for the purpose of humiliating me in front of an office of people, and not given the chance to stand up for myself. (When I tried, as soon as I opened my mouth, she sent me home.) This is what happens when you work with coke addicts, drunks, and women. (I do not despise all women- only the ones that play games- the two faced, back stabbing, mutinous, vicious cunts such as the ones at the Hidden Valley Country Club.) During this time, I was attacked at a bar that I was at with a few girls I knew- absolutely no reason at all. A man hit me in the face because I was trying to get a female friend to leave (because she was arguing with some girl- the man's girlfriend). I pulled on her arm and told her to leave with me. The man hit me, a check-collecting native bitch hit me in the back of the head. I tried to fight back, and then two other men stepped in. A minute later, I was in the bathroom holding the door closed as they tried kicking it down. I called the cops- the main culprit was arrested. The others I was unable to identify. I left the bar covered in blood, a possible broken nose (it turned out okay), a completely swollen face and skull. The hospital did what they could and helped out a lot. A month later, I found myself in a condo with a few guys I knew from the club that didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. Again, I sought out new connections and friendships, and found nothing but untrustworthy, agenda seeking trash. If I had been as fucked up as they thought I was, they would have raped me. I ended up running out of the apartment, and parking at a casino parking lot shaking violently, terrified beyond explanation, and unable to find a single soul in the world that was able or willing to come pick me up. (However, I'm sure the time of the day was a factor.) Two weeks ago, the roomate that is an ex boyfriend, attacked me in my room. We were drinking, and he was beyond drunk, and we were bickering as we have done every day of our time living together, and he came and sat on my bed where I was lying, pushed me into the bed, raised his fist, and began hitting me. We struggled and fought- threw eachother around my room. We broke my mirror during our struggle, and later, I found that the shards of glass from the mirror had cut my leg in two spots so deeply that it left my leg covered in blood, and blood stains all over my carpet. I tried desperately to get him to leave my room- I wasn't trying to seriously fight him, or hurt him. But I got him out in the hallway, punched him in the face rather decently, threw him on the ground, and tried shutting the door. He got his hand through, and broke my door trying to force his way in. I got to my cell phone and called the cops- during this conversation, he picked up a chair and tried hitting me with it. He left when he realized that they were on the way. My other two roomates doubted my story, and couldn't see Joel doing this to anyone. They begged me not to place a restraining order because they would get in trouble for subletting. I agreed, for their sake. And two days later, I get rude, awful text messages about my dog tearing up the garbage- even though, as they have known (for the 5 months my dog has been living here), every mess she has made I have cleaned up without request or comment, and done so efficiently. These are roomates that live a very, very, very filthy lifestyle, years before I ever moved in with them. (I'm talking rotting food in the sink to the point that you gag trying to approach it.) I've tolerated the continual smell of cat piss and rotting food, of rotting month old fast food wrappers and garbage. I've tolerated their garbage and dirty plates, wrappers and crumbs on counters I've spent hours cleaning (most of which was not my mess in the first place) without a single comment to them. (They demand lifestyle changes of you, but make none for the sake of others. They live a filthy lifestyle, and clean once every two months, yet bitch when I leave a dirty [but rinsed out] pile of dishes in the corner [so I only have to clean the dishes that I dirty myself]). Truly rediculous. I just want to be left alone... in peace. I have done nothing but been a positive, good force in this city- probably way way too nice, for way, way too long. Perhaps to the point where people feel comfortable fucking with me, and fucking me over when I deserve it not. But I will not crumble. I told my roomates that I will not be paying a dime for the damages Joel caused in his drunken attack. I told the boss at my job that "I quit", and will be going in there for a meeting in the morning, and will be playing a bit of their game in response to the things those women have done to me. (She forgot that I know enough stuff about her, and the things I've seen her do, to possibly get her fired. She fucked with the wrong faggot.) I told Joel that if he speaks to me, looks at me, approaches me, or contacts me- he will be in jail. (I was to notify the police on his return. He is here, but has honored my demands.) The roomates that have exploited me and been rude and standoffish since the moment I've moved in (except when they want something from me) will be waiting for their utility money for quite a long time. I have it right now at this moment- but it seems to me that I am the only goddamn person in this world that does things because "its the right thing to do". It makes me not want to do them anymore- at least, not to the people that do bad things. I will not become a tyrant- but I've learned that this is a tough goddamn world sometimes, and you can't be a peaceful, loving pussy all the time if you want to survive. These bitches want to play games, and so they will be played. But I am focused on not letting these people, and these experiences, turn me into anything like them. I found some people in San Diego (and my great aunt, as well) that are willing to trade work for housing while I find a new job and get on my feet. I also received an offer of free rent for three months from a girl I know that is moving to San Francisco. Although I have always, always wanted to move to San Francisco, this girl is also a sister of one of the girls I have been writing about at my job, and I'm afraid that this life may follow me if I move in with her. (Although she won't be asking me for work in return for rent, I would rather work harder for my housing and be free of my life here entirely.) San Diego is sunny and warm- and although it is a city, I've heard that it has more of a small town feel. The men are beautiful, the porn is fantastic, and there is much money to be made there. I will be flying down to San Diego on the 15th and staying for a week- I will be job hunting, sight seeing, sun bathing, and visiting with family I have yet to have the opportunity to get to know. I am excited as all hell- and although I am broke, I will be spending some of the money I do have on a few new outfits (I can't go to San Diego looking like broke, Reno trash, can I?), some new swimming trunks, some Crest Whitestrips, and some good sunblock. I am planning on being moved out of this room by the time I leave (which means I better get my ass packing today) and moving the stuff I want to keep to my mother's house in Fallon. She also has some friends that will work on my van for me, as when I do make the final move down there, I don't want to break down on a 10 hour trip halfway between San Diego and Reno. My darling girl, Julia- I am unsure what to do with. I love her more than I can ever express in words (and that is a significant statement if it's coming from a writer), but I am unsure about my ability to take her with me. Although I believe that when you adopt an animal, you make a vow to them to take care of them and love them to the best of your ability for the rest of their lives- I am unsure as to if bringing her with me, or leaving her with my Mom and little brother (who don't even have a real yard for her to graze) will be the best thing for her. I'm feeling as though by leaving her with my Mom (so I may keep her, and eventually move her down to San Diego) will be selfish of me. I feel that I will be putting my own interests ahead of hers. Even if I were to find a place that will allow me to have her in San Diego (she is a full bred pitt bull), I plan on not only working a lot, but getting back into school (another reason why I'm leaving- my scholarship expired, or will be soon) and I don't think that I will have the time for her that she truly deserves. She is honestly the sweetest, and most loving and wonderful animal I have ever had in my life- I feel that she deserves a whole lot more than what I can give her (and more than my family can give her). I love her too much to keep her. And I love myself too much to stay here. These changes will be hard, uncomfortable, scary, uncertain, and challenging. But successful people do not become successful by being afraid to take risks. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. And I believe in myself more now than I ever have before. Fuck you, Reno, Nevada. Peace out.

"Wonderful Wednesdays"

2009-08-13T05:55:23Z

WONDERFUL WEDNESDAYS

I do not regret this
and these
moments of substances, sunlight---
these discussions of fat hairy bees
and how it is that they may fly.
It is the hand of Jesus, lifted,
we decided.

"Just chillin", he said to me,
and I do not worry.
These brothers and our fag fly---
we proffer
one another
sunburnt smiles,
words without agenda
nor expectation.

I am the cycle---
descent and opposition.
I am the master---
the adversity, the history
of days and hearts past.

Finally, this is my time
and this is my hour.
I have the will
and I have the power.

Promises

2009-08-11T14:52:46Z

I never made vows to never smoke another cigarette, or to never ingest another ounce of alcohol- however, I did make vows to diligently work towards continual self-transformation and improvement, and it is when you trip and stumble harder than you thought you would is when you learn. I've learned, but I hope that it doesn't take making the same mistakes over and over again in order for me to finally and completely understand.

I am always moving forward, but I expect a lot from myself, because I know what I am capable of, and I know the pace at which I can achieve my goals and dreams. I disappoint no one but myself (not that I owe a single breath of explanation or apology for the way I decide to live my life to anyone).

I know I am learning and growing and moving forward- but I must first master myself and my own being. Once this takes place, the other domains of my life and existance on this earth will fall into place- not only love and romance (which is the last thing on my mind right now), but also career and finance, education, friendships, health.

I have a feeling that I will no longer be a habitual smoker three months from now. The relationship I am developing with the air, my body, and my mind is leading me to want to end the addiction. I want no dependence on anyone or anything but the earth and myself.

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Extremely well.

2007-11-20T19:36:02Z

It is mid November, already Thanksgiving break (beginning tomorrow), and I'm doing extremely well. (No work or school on Thursday and Friday- paid days off baby, hell yes!)

I'm currently at straight A's. My essays and papers are praised and hailed as the work of intelligence.

I'm working and doing well as a loader at UPS. I've been working on a promotion, and after having my assessment last night, I'm confident that the job is as good as mine.

Becoming a supervisor at UPS will grant a salary that starts at $1500 a month (after taxes) for 27.5 hours of work per week (you are given "overtime", or extra money, for additional hours worked in a week). Although I will be working 6 days a week until after Christmas, I will be making some very good dough.

If (and when, heh) I get this job, I'll be able to pay all of my bills (including an extra $100 a month in rent) with only half of my monthly income. I can therefore afford to pay for my classes and books, the internet, things to get my computer running, an auto mechanic for my car. I can form a savings account, and have reason to get a new credit card (to work on building up my credit).

I can begin to pay back my past debts (which currently amount to under $6,000, so it's possible to get out of debt completely within a year or two). I was deemed ineligible for financial aid due to my mother receiving a modest amount of child support for my younger brother, and a refund on her federal taxes. (Even though our combined income for the year is lower than the poverty level, I'm ineligible. FUCK FAFSA.)

I'm also receiving a student loan in order to break some of the stress in between now and the promotion. (I'll be able to wear khaki's and a polo to work. I will no longer have to get dirty and drink a gallon of water while I'm there to avoid dehydration.)

I've lost over 40 pounds since I began working out in Sacramento (so...40 pounds in 4 months).

I feel great. I feel like I look great. I should have abs in not too long.

Doing wonderfully.

I'm absolutely wonderful. Stressed the fuck out- money, five page essay assignments due every week, double shifts at work, no gas in my van. Very stressful, but I'd rather be here than where I was.

I am triumph.
I am triumph.

Un-utter exhaustion

2007-09-13T15:51:29Z

Not quite exhausted to the point that I am mortified, but I am definitely being tested each day.

Classes are going wonderfully. I haven't scored 100% on every assignment, in every class, as I was planning to do, but I suppose that's okay. A 93% is good enough, I guess. But it still pisses me off. I'm capable of straight A's, and I plan on obtaining them by December. (I've got some BAD grades for my first semester at UNR that I'm going to have to fight for the next 4 years.)

I got myself into one of those intensive 6 week courses for math 95. I'm glad. You do spend about 6 hours in the classroom per week, homework 4 nights of the week (due the very next day), but the hours are the hardest part. Homework is a breeze. I'll actually be completing the class in 30 days, and got myself into the math 96 intensive (mini) session starting late October. So... I will have taken care of a year's worth of math prerequisite courses in a single term. I can get into math 120 this spring, and then be done with math completely.

None of the other courses are difficult either. They're boring- I don't feel tested, or tried. I read some of the single page reading logs others students had written for English 101. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. College students...

But I guess it feeds my ego, and I haven't felt that wonderful feeling in awhile.

I have to stop answering questions that the instructor's ask, because they'll sometimes ignore me and just nod, and keep looking at the other students. So I just sit back and listen, and not answer the questions I know the answer to. (The other students talk to me less.)

Tons of attractive people at this college. A few that are given me some eye love. But I'm trying to stay focused.

Still getting into shape- eating well, regardless of how much effort it takes. (Packing a full lunch and snacks for the day every morning.)

The hardest part about this is money. If I wasn't worrying about finding a new job, and paying the bills, this school thing would be a breeze. Next semester should be better- I'll have my scholarship back, and perhaps some financial aid. But I may have to beg my father to lend me money to pay the other half of tuition by October 5th.

Weeks go by quickly. It feels like just yesterday I was saying, "God, it's only Monday. I wish it was the weekend." And now it's Thursday, the last day of classes. I'm most likely leaving for California either tonight, or tomorrow morning. I have that dentist appointment to have my crown finished... finally.

I must be at work in 10 minutes. The bookstore is getting lame. If I want to stay there, I have to work split shifts. I've cut my hours in order to actually have time to look for other jobs. Otherwise, I'd be at this college from 9am, to 6:30p. But I'm loving this being busy shit.

Have submited a handful of applications, and sent my resume to a variety of job openings posted on the internet. Maybe something will come through.

Trying not to stress until it's time to. Things will come through.

Back on track

2007-08-20T17:41:50Z

Had a great weekend with Deidre and all associated couples. Had a temporaril lapse in self-confidence. But quickly re attained it this morning after a workout that showed some improvement. I was able to get through half my normal workout without breaking a single drop of hot sweat.

Got up before my alarm clock even went off. That's so damn satisfying.

Went to Gay pride with Maygan yesterday. Slightyl disappointing, but the drag queens singing hispanic music really made it worth it. Will finish typing this later when I don't have a cute dude checking me out from across the way. He's distracting me.

Love.

Arrival

2007-08-16T18:07:32Z

Everything went according to planned yesterday. Arrived in Reno before it got dark, which was my goal. I wanted a few hours to unload and relax until I got into bed.

Did some laps in the swimming pool last night when I realized that I hadn't 'officially' worked out in a couple of days. (Have spent all of my time and energy with packing, loading, unloading, unpacking.) So while Deidre, a guy friend of hers, and Anna (another friend of hers) were lying down watching a movie, and eating twizzlers, chocolate covered raisens, and snickers bars, I hauled my ass out to the water. (Doing laps isn't as easy as it seems. I got myself to do 10 laps, (crossing the pool 20 times in total), but had to break halfway, and get 30 seconds of breath before I tried for another lap. My stomach ended up cramping badly, though I had eaten longer than a half an hour before. I need to quit smoking fags. I have shit for breath.

Am in the library on campus. About to walk into my first day at this new job in about 45 minutes. Am nervous. But I also worked out this morning, and so I feel more relaxed than I usually am before starting a new job. (I'll usually be shaking and trembling right now.)

Even though I'm nervous, and fighting for confidence, I'm going to walk in there with my head high and my shoulders back, and say, "Good afternoon" with a charming smile, and pursue the minor lessons with esteem.

A 5 hour shift that I hope will go smoothly.

Deidre also made a charming proposition. She offered that if Justin moved out (which he's been talking about doing for a couple of weeks) then she could pay a litle more rent herself so that I could afford to have his room. (I can't afford $450 a month in rent. But I could do $300, possibly $350.) And she also offered to pay me modestly to watch Gavin for two hours three times a week.

Will be going by to apply for a job at Fedex tomorrow after work. They pay more, and it's a great opportunity to get more exercise. (With all the lifting and shit.) I'd be able to stay in the back, away from people, and not have to find my normally solemn facial expression. I could sweat, comfortably, and not have to dress to impress.

This transition is difficult. I'm slightly frightened, but I'm going to handle it well. I'm sure of it. I want this too badly.

And in proof, I had a nightmare my first night here in Reno. I dreamt that firstly, Deidre and I were living together again but in my mother's house. Deidre was pissed at me for the house being filthy.

And then I had been late for my first day of classes. AND that I slept through my first day of work.

I woke up nearly sick, took me a good 5 minutes to calm myself and realize that it was only a dream.

A dream.

Departure

2007-08-14T22:57:56Z

Well, I've got 70 percent of my things packed up in the back of my van. What is not packed is the shit that I'm going to keep with me- debating on whether or not I should load it all now so that I may have room to clean everything down. (Still have to clean the kitchen, bathroom, dining room table, and vacuum everything.) But would have to run out there to get clothes and toiletries for my last night and morning here.

Dentist appointment lasted 2 hours today, so I feel as though I'm running a little behind. Can't leave without running by and saying goodbye to my father and grandmother.

When Grandma (the materal one) came home today while I was packing, I knew that when I would ask her how her day was, she would say "bad" like she usually does. She came in with a rotten look on her face, pitiful, and told me that she didn't eat the peanut butter sandwich I made her. The bread was hard. (It was not. It just wasn't as soft as dough, as it was the end of the loaf. She is beyond picky.)

And so, instead of eating the sandwich with less than perfectly soft bread, she simply did not eat any food all day. And so, naturally, she was feeling sick and pukey. I told her... you're sick because you refused to eat. (Do you want this? "No" Do you want this? "No" Do you want this? "No")

And perhaps Grandma, you wouldn't be throwing up if you weren't smoking down cigarettes like air on a sick empty stomach.

She holds the pink bucket in her lap, and makes it known that she was throwing up. I rinse it out when she's done and go back to my packing.

She sits there for over an hour and a half with a pitiful look on her face- her eyes closed, her lips puckered inward and down... and for a half an hour, was literally whimpering. Whimpering for attention like a puppy, like a child. (A fully sane woman turning to these tricks.)

And so like you have to do with a child, I ignored it, then called her out on it, "Grandma... are you whimpering?" with a shocked look on my face. "Yeah"

I do feel bad for leaving her, but I do not think it fair that everyone grew so dependent on me being here.

I told her, "Grandma.. I HAVE to go to Reno. I'm sorry, but I have to." "I know"

Eventually, she got bored with it and sat down in her sofa chair to watch the movie I put on for noise.

She knows what she's doing. She's making it harder for me to leave.

But I'm leaving anyways... I'm leaving.

Mother ended up getting a small loan (about 400 bucks) to cover the half of my tuition due on Thursday. I'll be able to walk in and pay it tomorrow, and pay her back early next week when my paycheck arrives.

Well, I am about to load up the computer. I'll update when I'm in Reno, and most likely sitting in the library at the community college.

Wish me luck.

3 more

2007-08-12T22:31:41Z

Didn't wake up until noon, but I let myself release the disappointment. I didn't even get to sleep until after 3am, so my body demanded the sleep it required, and I felt awake today. (I ended up jumping up awake after I rather disturbing dream about fighting a lunatic- a large bulky young white guy with shaved dirty blond hair, he was a murderer, someone that liked to kill and keep the corpses. I was trying to protect two others from him, and remember hitting him as hard as I could in the face to stop him. But it did nothing. He simply stared at me. The dream ended with the sight of someone wearing a dead body that didn't belong to them. I vividly remember the dead face- and remember hearing MYSELF narrating, honestly describing the tangled hair, the dead dimpled skin. I woke up after the person wearing the corpse smiled, and a chunky black substance poured out from between the teeth, something that looked like black caviar, but was shiny.) lol Don't think I'm crazy, please. But I was kind of amused that I was narrating the dream. Only a writer dreams like that.

But anyways, woke up and wrote that very decent journal entry while sipping my coffee, while going over my goals. (But before that- a breakfast of two scrambled eggs cooked with non-stick cooking spray, one slice of wheat toast with a thin layer of peanut butter, and a piece of cold chicken breast, and a glass of water.)

Did my chest and tricep workout. (4 sets of pushups, 15 reps each- jumping jacks before the pushups to get warmed up, plenty of stretching, a set of crunches and leg lifts to bust out an extra sweat) Drank a large liter of water to get hyrdated for the day.

Read a very good chapter in my book while taking a shit. Took a shower, and weighed myself.

I'm down an additional 2 or 3 pounds. A total of 5 to 7 pounds in two weeks- done the right way. No starving. The reward of effort.

I can't even describe how I feel. About everything. Even the financial worries don't seem as deep. I feel secure, content, confident, proud.

It's become a habit to recite self affirmations while going about my day. "I believe i myself, I believe in myself, I believe in myself" while brushing my teeth. Envisioning walking into my first day of work with calm speech, a confident strut, a comfortable smile.

Fuck marijuana.

Notes to self

2007-08-12T21:21:15Z

-Develop a list of short and long term goals

-Develop a schedule and routine, live by said schedule each day to get the most out of my time

-In the mornings, while having my two cups of coffee, go over my goals, and speak my self affirmations (part of a daily spiritual practice)

-Develop said self-affirmations

-Do not smoke pot. You know why, Christopher. It takes two or three days (even after two or three small hits) to develop the mindfulness and energy you had before you smoked it. Your goals are too important to you now. Those hits are not worth it. They are not healthy for you. They do not empower you. That is not your life anymore. That is not who you are. That is not who you deserve to be.

-Remember what J. said. "Believe in yourself, it's all that matters."

-Believe in yourself, it's all that matters.

-Learn yoga soon, for the days when you're muscles are aching too badly to weight lift. The stretch can feel amazing.

So, I was looking out back after convincing my grandmother to open both the doors and get some light and sound in the apartment, and realized that all my tubs on the porch were left open. I wander out, and find that one is completely empty. Can't remember if I was the one that emptied it from packing up all my books.

And that also, another tub was opened and a bag inside of it (that I had a lot of old toiletries and pills in) was sitting up, and also left open.

I do not believe that I left all of those tubs opened, but I am missing a whole stack of cd's and cd jewel cases. I am very sure that I had them out there in one of those tubs.

It is strange. I hate being a victim of thievery. It has happened a few times before, and always with things that I treasured, (like my first Nike zip up binder in 7th grade, my first deck of tarot cards freshman year) and I hate how it makes you feel. Loss.

Luckily, I had taken in all of my books, not that most of the people we live by would be able to read them or anything. But I did lose a stack of cd's I hadnt listened to in over a year, and a very nice Sony cd player that I had stored with it.

Others would suggest to me that this is karma. I tried to remember the last time I stole something- those crates from the back of WalGreens. (But prior to that- the last thing I stole was a sandwich or other piece of food from someone's lunch when I was a sophomore in high school- I was broke, and my stomach ached, and the lunch had been sitting there the whole lunch period without an owner in sight.)

The older I grow, the less I believe in such order in the universe- a supreme god, karma. The wisest men were not the ones that prayed for the sake of peace of mind, or practiced magic to alter their situations. The wisest men were the ones who simply accepted life and all of its happenings- the ones who created order in chaotic events.

That is what I would like to be. Instead of finding myself in a very very hard scenario, (like this week, learning that my paycheck would be delayed until AFTER tuition is due, AFTER I move to Reno, AFTER I start a new job requiring clothes I don't have) and wanting to pray to God/The Goddess/the Universe and ask for help, or wanting to practice the even more complex psychological tricks of magic- I'd like to simply keep my cool, accept what has happened, and accept the outcome, and find a way to turn the tide with my OWN knowledge and experience.

It is not the easiest road, I have learned, to not have faith in divinity, or spiritual intervention. You take upon yourself all responsibility for your life, and how it turns out. (You take responsibility for what happens after even the things you cannot control.) But my logic and experience allows me no other course of action.

But do I have the strength and intelligence to not be led to the path of madness?

Are not the most logical and intellient sometimes the most insane?

Is sanity simply foolishness and bliss?

Are the sane only the least mindful, the least thoughtful?

IQ

2007-08-12T07:01:47Z

There was an article in the Reno News & Review this week about a special program for 'genius' level students. It explained that you have to have an IQ of at least 145 to even be considered for enrollment. That Albert Einstein's IQ was 160.

And also, that these students are in the top 0.13 percent of the population!!!

Well, I started to wonder what my own IQ score was. So I looked up a credible IQ test on the internet, and took it.

I scored a disappointing 124. Although it explained that I scored in the top 90 to 100% in most of the categories, (my lowest being linguistics! wtf!) I'm gonna retake that shit.

I went over the answers and found that on a couple of the questions, I had decided on the right answer, but somehow clicked the wrong choice. The test took a good 20 minutes or so.

I can't retake the same one, because I'm familiar with the questions.

Looked up a few of those 'High Intelligence Societies' (where they con you into paying them 70 bucks for membership, and a certificate of smartness, and access to the smart people forums) and found that they accepted IQ scores 124 and above.

I guess it gave me self-satisfaction, but now I'm on a mission to raise it.

(Although the IQ test is disputable. Most believe that there are many other factors that contribute to intelligence, or the seemingly lack thereof- like access to education, and your background.)

I would have joined the society if they gave you a t-shirt.

"I scored high on the IQ test. Step off my grill, bitches."

I trust myself.

2007-08-11T05:38:06Z

I trust myself.
I trust myself.
I trust myself.

I am intelligent, strong, capable.
I am intelligent, strong, capable.
I am intelligent, strong, capable.

I do not doubt myself.
I do not doubt myself.
I do not doubt myself.

Well, Reno was a pretty light weight trip! Got out of Sacramento later than I had intended, but the drive there was very relaxing. I really dig that feeling once you go beyond Auburn, when the highways are hugged by trees and heights of green and open sky. The feeling of freedom, of reunion with nature.

Drove straight to Fallon and spent a good hour with my mother- the first good hour we've had in a long time. Last week, I had realized how very judgemental I was growing, even of my own mother and little brother. I was learning how very awful it felt when your own blood will not accept you, and I decided not to follow in their foot steps. I called my mother, and left a message on her cell phone, telling her that I loved her for who she is, fat or thin, rich or poor- for all her flaws and imperfections, I love her anyways. That I accept her. And I think that's what she needed, because the next time we had talked on the phone, she sounded rather happy.

(Although my family is still under constant assault from my father's side of the family- from his sister, my cousins, his mother. One of my cousins found my little brother on Myspace, and showed her mother how much acne he had on his face, and Theresa then told Betty about it. They wonder why Nicholas and my mother don't want anything to do with them? Even if they don't talk to them, they are still assaulted, they are still slandered. I'll be meeting with Theresa, my aunt, here in a few days to discuss some of these issues, to explain why I blew up on my father's mother, why I called her primitive, simple minded, ignorant, and judgemental.)

Got off course. (Admit powerlessness, Christopher. Admit powerlessness.)

My mother has grown very excited about my returning to school, and even promised that she'd help me pay for books. She let me store about 6 or 7 crates of books at the house. I returned to Reno an hour later so that I could sleep there, and be up in the morning to pursue employment.

Had a great evening with Deidre and her new boyfriend that evening. I think I might actually get along well with this one. He's a thinker, like myself, a silent analyzer, has pretty progressive political views- and although I have no place to make this judgement, he still seems pretty naive with romance, as are 95 percent of our peers. Little boys that take physical attraction and satisfying sex for love- using pet names, like pumpkin, after three weeks of dating.

But I'm altering the way I deal with couples now. I'm doing my best not to let being a third wheel, a fifth wheel, bother me. (Like last night- Deidre and her brother both with their lovers over, both lying on the ground, cuddling and kissing eyelids while watching a movie. I smile uncomfortably and spend most of the time outside with a few too many glasses of wine, and the stars as my company.) Am also trying not to be a hinderance in their relationships- stepping out and allowing them time together to express their affections privately- strategically reading the Reno News & Review in the other room while they pursue self-satisfactions.)

With renewed self-confidence, I can let loose. Simply accepting who I am, accepting my personality, traits, and imprefections. I can allow myself to have a good time.

Cleaned up the house the next morning while Deidre was at work. Did all the dishes from her making us dinner the night before. Deidre's boyfriend followed my example and swept the back porch. I folded her laundry from the dryer so that I could throw my own clothes in there. Brought out all the garbage, wiped off the counters. I'm doing my best to leave great roomate impressions while I visit. I don't want her and her brother to think I'm still the inconsiderate roomate I was at 18. Went to the community college that afternoon, and printed out a few copies of my dazzling resume, (It's fuckin' sweet.) a few copies of my class schedule.

Changed into a clean, dark blue collared polo, a few drops of cologne, shaved off the tab of facial hair on my chin, and went into the CC bookstore and asked if they were still hiring. The front clerk girl said they had filled all of their positions, but they always say that, so I asked the girl for an application anyways, and ignored the look on her face. Filled it out quickly, and asked to speak with the manager, again, ignoring the odd look on her face. The woman comes out a few moments later- a well put together middle aged matron, a woman you can tell grew up in Nevada, but nice. I shook her hand, and introduced myeslf confidently, explaining that although I had heard that they had hired all the people they needed, I still wanted to submit my application incase they lost someone later, or decided they may need extra help.

Professionally explained why I was qualified- my broad experience with customer service, competency with computers, registers, and cash handling. Pointed out a few notable things on the resume. She then said, "Yes, we did hire all the people we needed, but I AM thinking about hiring one more person," while gazing down at my paperwork, without any discernible look on her face. She gave me her card, and told me to call her next week. I walked out satisfied, but very slightly disappointed, as I am spoiled with usually getting hired on the spot when I decide I want a certain job.

Drove to UNR, and realized that I had forgotten to print out the applications for the events center, so tried to go to the computer lab to see if my UNR ID from two years ago would allow me to access the internet and printers, but over half the campus was closed due to a power outage. Went back to Deidre's, relaxed and read the RN&R (which was a rather good issue this week, if you're in Reno, you should check it out if you haven't already) until she got home. Brandon (the boyfriend) made dinner. We get more beer, but were all pretty tired from the night before, so ended up sipping wine. (I was the only one that got toasted that evening, because the wine was just hitting the spot, and I love the solid, warm, poetic feeling of being wine-drunk. Ended up doing a few 'drink and dials'. Was glad to see that two of my calls were returned not even a half an hour later.)

Got together with an old buddy from high school, and later decided not to spend too much time with him and his friends. He hasn't gotten anywhere in two years. Ended up not even going into work this morning because he was up late drinking. These are habits I'd rather not adopt. Should surround myself with people that inspire me, with people I look up to and admire. People that are progressive, and seeking higher levels of learning and life.

Decided to try to apply for the positions at the Lawlor Events Center again this morning. Went to the CC library again, spent four bucks on printing multiple copies (you have to submit multiple applications if interested in more than one position), and by chance, checked my email. A message from the manager of the bookstore. "If you're still looking for a position, I can hire you as a temporary employee for the fall. Give me a call as soon as you get this message and I can put you to work."

Although not dressed for such an appearance, I walked but 100 feet to the bookstore, and asked to speak with the manager.

"And your name is?"
"Christopher Bass"
"May I ask what it is regarding?"
"A possible employment opportunity."
"Do you have a copy of your class schedule?"
"I've already submitted it."

I'm walked into the back office, and glance at one of the guys that I had seen working there a couple weeks ago when I had come up to take the placement tests. Short to average height, buzz cut, a cute mature face, blue eyes, arms covered in sleeved tattoos.

I offer my hand to the manager in greeting, and am offered a seat in return. She explains that she had been telling her assistant manager how impressed she had been yesterday, (I innocently ask "Really?", but was not surprised. lol!) and offered me a position, but with circumstances. If I can work four split shifts the first week of classes, I can have the position. (They start at 7:30am, work a few hours, go to class, come back and work a few more.) I accepted the offer, learned about the no-tshirt, close-toed shoes, no jeans dress code, $7.00/hr, was 'welcomed to the crew' and walked back to my van with a large smile on my face.

Drove back to Sacramento immediately after. (Still wanted to apply at the events center, but had learned that I need my social security card, which I did not bring.) Throughout the trip, I would suddenly remember that I was manifesting all of these wonderful things I had been wanting for so long. Realizing how very possible dreams are, and knowing that going to school, getting this job, would not have been as satisfying two years ago. Because I had descended, fell very low, and almost never came back- these possibilities are so much richer, worthy of so much more appreciation, are so much more beautiful. Letting the realization that I had done what I wanted to do truly sink in, as I think it hasn't yet fully- realizing my capabilities, growing into trust of self and what I can create. Firmly decided that I will NOT be smoking weed once I get up there. That I will NOT be drinking or staying up late the nights before I am to work and go to class. That my classes, and my job are too important to me to sabotage with mindlessness. Quieting myself whenever a doubt crept into my conscience. ("No, Christopher- you can do this. You can do this.")

The happiness (for lack of a better word) was broken the moment I got into the city. Went by my PO box and saw that they STILL had not sent one of the paychecks they still owed me- the paycheck that was to pay my tuition bill, which is due no later than Thursday, August 16th, 4:00pm. Called and found out that they hadn't even sent it. That someone processed the time sheet wrong, and simply didn't pay it. The soonest they could send it was Tuesday.

Everything crumbled as I tried harder and harder to figure out a better course of action. Moving to Reno on Wednesday, starting the new job Thursday afternoon, tuition due at 4:00pm, no money for gas to and back. That I would have to drive back here to Sacramento just to get the check. No money for food. No money for a cell phone, which is absolutely essential once I get up there, as Deidre is gone most of the day with hers, and they have no home phone. No money to buy used khaki pants and polos at the goodwill store for work.

Called and left a message for my father, quickly explaining the situation. He never returned my call. Called my mother and somehow explained it all through hard breathing, gasps, and stutters. She vowed that I would be going to school. That she would come up with it in time to pay it- she could possibly find someone to borrow it from until I got my check. She reminded me that I can do nothing about it. (Excuse the irrational rant: State programs are seemingly run by incompetent dumbasses that should be working a grill at Burger King. These 'screw ups' happen ALL the time. But of course, it isn't THEIR paychecks that are screwed up. THEY don't have to wait 10 days for their money. THEIR bills are paid on time.)

She was right. Powerlessness. She told me to focus only on getting my stuff together, focus only on the move to Reno on Wednesday, that she would come up with the money.

All the while, my grandmother is constantly bugging about going to Denny's. I walk in the house after the 3 hour drive, and she's already dressed with her walker at her knees. After all of this, I'm exhausted, near to tears, angry beyond measure (at everyone, everything- at my family for being so goddamn broke, [as rediculous as it sounds]... all the time- at my father's mother, sister, her children, for picking at my little brother behind his back) and still, she wants me to bring her to Denny's so she can sit there silently and drink iced tea. I do not have a moment of relaxation. She is not satisfied with the iced tea I make at home.

Less than a week left of this. Less than a week, and I'll be able to sleep 8 hours straight, beginning at a decent time, without my grandmother waking me up to get her ice, to make her a peanut butter sandwich. Less than a week.

Took a nap, and am feeling much better. I am putting faith in my mother, and trying to get myself back on track. Have not worked out in two days, and so I feel that that may have to do with the recent high levels of anxiety. (And also, remembering how much Miller I drank, and god- that omelet I had at the Peppermill while mindless.) Will be getting good sleep tonight, and will be up early in the morning, wanting to get used to getting up at 6am.

Also learning that I need to handle stress differently. That this will not be the last time that things don't go as planned, nor will this be the last time that things seem hopeless or irrepairable. That I must learn to keep my cool, even in the most extreme of circumstances. I will practice this.

Tomorrow is a new day, new possibilities- another chance to create happiness and step forward into the future.

I trust myself.
I trust myself.
I trust myself.

I am intelligent, strong, capable.
I am intelligent, strong, capable.
I am intelligent, strong, capable.

I do not doubt myself.
I do not doubt myself.
I do not doubt myself.

Forward

2007-08-02T08:03:22Z

PRINCIPLES OF SOCIOLOGY - Monday, Wednesday - 11 to 12:15pm
ART APPRECIATION - Monday, Wednesday - 2 to 3:15pm
COMPOSITION 1 - Tuesday, Thursday - 11 to 12:15pm
ELEMENTARY ALGEBRA - Tuesday, Thursday - 2 to 3:15pm

I'm going to be a full time student, even if I have to live in my van and take showers at my friend's places until next semester. I'll make it work. Truly, it's the issue of money that is terrifying me. I'll have time to work a part time job, and really, I can cover rent with that. But when it comes to paying for gas, food, utilities, a cell phone. I just don't know. I'm going to have to live scarcely.

My father has yet to say 'no' to helping me, in whatever manner. I will do this alone if I have to, but I could use the financial help- at least partly with tuition and books, at least for this semester.

I'm trying to just relax for now, and remember that I DO have a place to stay for at least a month or two with Deidre. I'll pop her $200 to cover any extra expenses that will accrue due to my staying there for a month. My last couple of paychecks will cover all the start of term expenses- tuition, books (if I shop smart), gym membership for the semester, start up cell phone charges, a P.O. box.

I've just got to find the right job. I'm basically willing to do whatever I have to do to make money. I'm considering going with something that'll help me get some extra exercise. Lawlor Events Center is hiring security. I'm sure they'd dig my stocky, muscular physique.

Speaking of which- I started a decent workout routine last week, spending each day on a certain muscle group, four sets of a couple of exercises to get toned up and ready to hit the harder weights at the gym in a few weeks. Adopted some healthy eating guidelines until I hit the grocery store and buy what I need. I feel wonderful.

I've discovered that I've got the kind of body type that can build muscle easily. After just this week, my biceps are much harder than they were a weak ago, and are even beginning to outline from the rest of the chub in my arm. It feels wonderful at the end of the night to feel sore- my abs, my arms, my legs, my back. The pain is liberating. This time next summer I'll be ripped.

I'm glad that Deidre's got that swimming pool right across the neighborhood street. I can't wait to be able to just walk 50 feet and do laps in a cool, clean swimming pool.

Changes, changes, changes. I can hardly wait these two weeks. I am leaving on August 15th.

Ascent

2007-07-18T05:19:05Z

By this date next month, I will be living in Reno, Nevada once again.

I go through some of these livejournal postings from the last two years: woe, woe, woe.

It tempted me to start a completely new journal. In fact, I may just do that.

Besides getting my books, I am completely admitted and registered at Reno's community college. This summer, I decided that enough was enough- I knew where I wanted to me, should be, deserved to be, belonged. And that was in school- with my nose in a book, learning about the world of men, and strengthening my skill and abilities... and faculties.

I do not consider myself fully recovered from the 'illness'. But I am doing mightily well, compared to my position 4 months ago. I have been off of the medications for two months now, and have been learning to cope with things in other ways: 30 minute walks in the morning, when the sun is first warming the grass, and most of Sacramento is still in their homes, daily spiritual practice and exercise, and the developement of a vision, and goals.

Like I've always known before- if I have a vision, my body and mind take on an instinctual drive towards manifesting it. I have the abilities, I needed to learn application.

I am seeing my father tomorrow afternoon to discuss further details about my education. I decided on going to the community college first- as it costs half the price for the same courses, and if classes are selected carefully, I can transfer back to UNR as a junior in a couple of years. I can get away with paying only half of the tuition by Auguest 15, the rest by October 5th, plus the price of books. (Speaking of which- don't shop at your college's bookstore, unless you have to. I found two of the four books I need on ebay for half the price [and even less] of the used book prices.)

Deidre is letting me stay at her place for a month or so, until I find a new job and a place to live. I figured I could work 20 hours a week, with a full time schedule at school. If my father would agree to pay my tuition, books, and possibly $200 or $300 bucks for rent (like he did before), then this will go smooth. I'll only make about 600 or 700 a month on a part time work schedule, and that's barely enough to afford rent and car insurance. This first semester will be tough, as I won't be receiving any financial aid. (Next semester will be easier- as I will hopefully be getting back my Millenium scholarship, and possibly getting something through FAFSA.)

Since developing these plans- I have never felt more alive, confident, motivated. Every time I face a moment of struggle, my desires resurface, and it pushes me through it. It's magic.

I am going to do this. I only hope I can make it work somewhat smoothly.

Jesus Camp

2007-06-16T09:29:07Z

The following video was recorded at one of those summer Jesus Camps.

Tell me this doesn't make you sick to your stomach with disgust.

This next one is a little unsettling as well. (Although I recognize the scene. The ways they are acting, the spiritual connection they feel they've made- it's also what happens within 'circles' cast by witches/pagans; raising energy, basically, through the music and the large amount of people participating, and the chanting and trancelike monotony.)

But still... these children have been fucking trained. I don't even know what to say.

HIV Suicide

2007-03-27T23:27:01Z

A guy I met at group therapy killed himself today. His names was Scott. A skinny, articulate gay man in his 30's, nerdy looking but very pleasant to be around- kind. He was HIV positive, but was just recently re-diagnosed with AIDS, the full whammy. He had been discharged from the program about a week or so ago. He changed his answering machine greeting to a goodbye. The confirmed it this afternoon.

I wasn't close to the fellow, but we had a few conversations together- about the disease, especially. It's moreso a stun because I am being shoved into the same seat as the people I've wanted to shove there myself. "So this is what it feels like when someone you know kills themself."

It's only sadness. I even almost want to take a slice of blame. What if I had extended my hand out to him? What if I had just hung with him more while he was there, exchanged phone numbers, and gave him a call every week or so to see how he's doing? What if I had just offered him unbiased, agenda-free support?

I heard that his answering machine message sounded very confident. That he sounds good and stable as he's explaining to everyone that he wants them to celebrate his life, not mourn his passing. That he sounded as though he had accepted death a long time ago. (which makes sense- positives have to develop a greater relationship with death, and much earlier that the rest of us)

A friend of us suggests that he probably used pills. (I'm sure he had plenty of them.)

I brought his friend out back after group today. Another girl from the group came along. We stood together in the grass, under the low hanging branches of the trees, and talked about him. I had suggested we come out to have a mini-memorial. I told them that we didn't need a church- we have the trees.

I suggested a moment of silence. (That was the best part. I felt like I could feel him in the grass there for a moment.)

Missing Cat

2007-03-10T18:41:20Z

Ani got out last night on accident. I had someone over, and she slipped through my feet and through his to get outside and I never saw her. An hour later after I had closed the door, I realized I couldn't find it. She was nowhere to be seen outside. She wandered off.

She's never really been outside before. She has not returned. I've walked around the block looking for her, checked the road like Prince, asked a few apartments that were next to time that looked exactly like it. (Last time she got confused and jumped into the back porch of the wrong apartment.

I'm worried sick. I keep wanting to cry like a bitch cause I can't find my cat.

But I love her.

She's probably dead. I hope someone just took her in because she didn't seem all wild like the other cats around here- even if they don't return her to me, at least she's got someplace warm.

I'm thinking about making MISSING CAT flyers and putting them on all the apartment doors around here. I don't think anyone here would bother calling Animal Control to pick her up or anything- cats run this apartment complex.

WHAT DO I DO?????

Myspace Kills

2007-03-03T21:09:46Z

The Origin of Love

2007-01-09T19:36:06Z

I believe that my next tattoo will me a symbol in accordance with this creation story, this origin of love. A tale, a song, a concept of love that I will adore, I think, for the rest of my life. A symbol: two half faces fit together into a one circle. You will see it in this video from a portion of the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch". I think this will also be the first song I'll learn how to play on my guitar.

I love it, love it, love it.

Hope Is Emo- Chapter One: "The Words Are Dying"

2007-01-09T17:26:07Z

LMAO

Madonna's "Jump"

2006-10-17T21:54:27Z

Free Hugs Campaign

2006-10-12T08:25:21Z

A good friend of mine just posted this on her journal. It's touching, and I thought I'd do my part and spread it around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

What a story to write...

2006-09-24T13:05:05Z

I stayed in Fallon/Reno, Nevada for a week... two days longer than I had intended. It is not about 6am on Sunday morning, and I'm sick as all fuck. I think all the fun I had the past week took a toll on my body- all the drinking and smoking, the cold air and the gusty winds I never thought about when wearing flip flops under blue jeans to an event.

Today/yesterday was my birthday. I slept during most of it, didn't feel very motivated to answer the ringing telephones, or to check the messages. I found a few birthday greetings. My mother hadn't even any idea I had left Nevada for a whole day. That says much about how much I was around her during my stay at home.

I've been coughing all day... a big of painful, acidic flem, but now the coughs are getting deeper and more frequent. My head aches at different pressure points from all the whooping stress. I am keeping myself knocked up on 800mg of ibuprofen until I can figure out a way to get cold medicine, sinus medicine for the aches and pounding attacks, the runny nose and the sneezing. And probably some Pepto Bismal for my stomach troubles.

But I don't know how I'm going to pay for those things. I am solid broke since coming back from Nevada.

I feel like shit now, but I had a blast.

Partying nearly every night... I was always doing something interesting. Great smoking experiences with Deidre's new boyfriend, (in the sunshine under a tree, lost of gusty comfortable wind and the talking leaves of a tree), and an amazing Ani Difranco show with her. I met the baby. An odd sorority get together at one of the greek houses by UNR.

I met a girl in Fallon. The night we all drank, and I was really getting it done, three of us ended up crashing on one mattress. She was awake and sober, and let me feel her body and play with the nails of her small hand...

She loved "how gentle I was". I think I know what I am doing by now. She's supposed to call me later today to get together. She's going to stop in Sacramento on the way back home from visiting her "boyfriend" who is visiting in San Francisco.

I enjoyed her.

I'm going to finish my bowl, and blow my nose, and hope the THC will fog the illness.