I'm currently in Sacramento. I will becwaking up at 3:30 in the morning for a quick jog and to be on my way with others to the military testing center where we will undergo a thorough physical and psychiatric evaluation.

I'm not so nervous about that- but talking with my roomate for the night tells me I need to be training significantly harder and more often than I have been. I need to be able to run at least 5 miles straight- at 8 minutes per mike. He told me to run until I puke- daily.

I know I can do this. I'm sitting here awaiting our meeting- doubting myself (although I know that doubt is fatal).

I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

The list of things I must train in before shipping out for bootcamp:

-Running
-Push ups
-Sit ups
-Pullups (but not as vital)
-Mindfulness and mental strength (meditation)
-Yoga

I think that growing competence in these areas will arm me with the right amount of strength in the right areas to do well.

Mental strength is the most important-

I know I can do this. I know I can.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'm currently in Sacramento. I will becwaking up at 3:30 in the morning for a quick jog and to be on my way with others to the military testing center where we will undergo a thorough physical and psychiatric evaluation.

I'm not so nervous about that- but talking with my roomate for the night tells me I need to be training significantly harder and more often than I have been. I need to be able to run at least 5 miles straight- at 8 minutes per mike. He told me to run until I puke- daily.

I know I can do this. I'm sitting here awaiting our meeting- doubting myself (although I know that doubt is fatal).

I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

The list of things I must train in before shipping out for bootcamp:

-Running
-Push ups
-Sit ups
-Pullups (but not as vital)
-Mindfulness and mental strength (meditation)
-Yoga

I think that growing competence in these areas will arm me with the right amount of strength in the right areas to do well.

Mental strength is the most important-

I know I can do this. I know I can.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Years ago I was one unhappy boy (for many reasons), and although I still am not what I would consider happy (one is never"> 'happy' during times like these), I have literally transformed my self and my life significantly, positively, and dramatically. There have been mountains (I laugh because I hear that cheesy Miley Cyrus song in my head- but it's so appropriate), and I have known many sadnesses and losses that I would never have had the opportunity to experience, I have still known many wonderful, joyful things- like love and companionship, self-esteem and confidence, sex and pleasure, spirituality and enlightenment.

I must remind myself of this as I make my journey to San Diego- that although I am leaving this city and all of the horrible experiences and people that I have met, known, loved, and lost here, there was still a purpose for my time here. I still had many opportunities to grow and learn about myself, other people and the world..... about life. I believe that this moment began.....well, the very moment I moved here- or perhaps the moment I burst forth from my mother's body. Who knows? Every moment in our lives is so very dependent on every moment that came before it that you never really know what caused anything? Everything caused it. But in fact- the significant moments began months ago, when I found that the friends I had in my life weren't in fact my friends. I discovered that they would turn on me in a moments notice- and they began to do so because I had changed, indeed. Suddenly, I was not the Chris Bass that was on my knees begging for their friendship, apologizing for things that weren't my fault, taking the blame and responsibility for things that weren't mine. They may have used my financial mistakes at the time (which weren't truly that significant) to fuck me over- but if it were not that, it would have been something else. (But today, I have found that I have forgiven them, because I feel sorry for them. They were scared, and lost a truly wonderful person in their life. Their feelings of inadequacy caused this, and I have no choice but to forgive them, and release them entirely from my being. So may it be.) I found Brian and fell in love, and he loved me. I left the house with the friends I had known and cared about for 8 years and moved in with him temporarily to get on my feet and have some peace. It didn't work out well. Brian was who he was- loving, attentive, generous, attractive, wonderful, but insecure, possessive, hot headed, physically aggressive, dependent on substances. And so I left, and moved in with a guy (and his three roomates) whom I had dated for 2 months a year and a half ago (at the time). We had become friends and he and his roomates offered me a room. I continued to work at UPS, and Brian and I grew closer than ever. And then I began to feel unfulfilled- not only with Brian, but also with my life, and my unfulfillment was evident to Brian, and it frightened him. He was frightened of being left again, and we decided to seperate before we got in over our heads. It's a very sad story, because we both loved each other the best way we knew how- but although our chemistry was right, the time was not, and it was over. I had begun feeling very unhappy with my job quite a long time ago, but tolerated it, and continued to challenge myself to overcome the barriers and difficulties that I was encountering there. I tried, and succeeded in many ways, however, in others I did not. I found a job as a server and bartender at a private golf course here in Reno, and one day, when I had grown tired of being called names and treated like I was shit by coworkers and a few bosses, I walked out of UPS with my gold aviator sunglasses on, and two middle fingers stretched out in the air, and worked at the golf course full time. It was exciting and wonderful for a couple of months- I thought I had found a job that I truly loved. I was working harder, and working longer, but making just as much (and sometimes more) than I was at UPS. At first glance, the people I worked with seemed wonderful and accepting. However, over time, their true personalities began to show bright. I found myself being accused of theft behind closed doors, although they were unwilling to view videos from the security cameras (they wanted to just accuse and slander, not to prove anything). I found myself lied to and manipulated by my manager. I found the coworkers that I befriended slandering me with cruel words and lies. I found myself accused of unjustifiable, unproved things for the purpose of humiliating me in front of an office of people, and not given the chance to stand up for myself. (When I tried, as soon as I opened my mouth, she sent me home.) This is what happens when you work with coke addicts, drunks, and women. (I do not despise all women- only the ones that play games- the two faced, back stabbing, mutinous, vicious cunts such as the ones at the Hidden Valley Country Club.) During this time, I was attacked at a bar that I was at with a few girls I knew- absolutely no reason at all. A man hit me in the face because I was trying to get a female friend to leave (because she was arguing with some girl- the man's girlfriend). I pulled on her arm and told her to leave with me. The man hit me, a check-collecting native bitch hit me in the back of the head. I tried to fight back, and then two other men stepped in. A minute later, I was in the bathroom holding the door closed as they tried kicking it down. I called the cops- the main culprit was arrested. The others I was unable to identify. I left the bar covered in blood, a possible broken nose (it turned out okay), a completely swollen face and skull. The hospital did what they could and helped out a lot. A month later, I found myself in a condo with a few guys I knew from the club that didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. Again, I sought out new connections and friendships, and found nothing but untrustworthy, agenda seeking trash. If I had been as fucked up as they thought I was, they would have raped me. I ended up running out of the apartment, and parking at a casino parking lot shaking violently, terrified beyond explanation, and unable to find a single soul in the world that was able or willing to come pick me up. (However, I'm sure the time of the day was a factor.) Two weeks ago, the roomate that is an ex boyfriend, attacked me in my room. We were drinking, and he was beyond drunk, and we were bickering as we have done every day of our time living together, and he came and sat on my bed where I was lying, pushed me into the bed, raised his fist, and began hitting me. We struggled and fought- threw eachother around my room. We broke my mirror during our struggle, and later, I found that the shards of glass from the mirror had cut my leg in two spots so deeply that it left my leg covered in blood, and blood stains all over my carpet. I tried desperately to get him to leave my room- I wasn't trying to seriously fight him, or hurt him. But I got him out in the hallway, punched him in the face rather decently, threw him on the ground, and tried shutting the door. He got his hand through, and broke my door trying to force his way in. I got to my cell phone and called the cops- during this conversation, he picked up a chair and tried hitting me with it. He left when he realized that they were on the way. My other two roomates doubted my story, and couldn't see Joel doing this to anyone. They begged me not to place a restraining order because they would get in trouble for subletting. I agreed, for their sake. And two days later, I get rude, awful text messages about my dog tearing up the garbage- even though, as they have known (for the 5 months my dog has been living here), every mess she has made I have cleaned up without request or comment, and done so efficiently. These are roomates that live a very, very, very filthy lifestyle, years before I ever moved in with them. (I'm talking rotting food in the sink to the point that you gag trying to approach it.) I've tolerated the continual smell of cat piss and rotting food, of rotting month old fast food wrappers and garbage. I've tolerated their garbage and dirty plates, wrappers and crumbs on counters I've spent hours cleaning (most of which was not my mess in the first place) without a single comment to them. (They demand lifestyle changes of you, but make none for the sake of others. They live a filthy lifestyle, and clean once every two months, yet bitch when I leave a dirty [but rinsed out] pile of dishes in the corner [so I only have to clean the dishes that I dirty myself]). Truly rediculous. I just want to be left alone... in peace. I have done nothing but been a positive, good force in this city- probably way way too nice, for way, way too long. Perhaps to the point where people feel comfortable fucking with me, and fucking me over when I deserve it not. But I will not crumble. I told my roomates that I will not be paying a dime for the damages Joel caused in his drunken attack. I told the boss at my job that "I quit", and will be going in there for a meeting in the morning, and will be playing a bit of their game in response to the things those women have done to me. (She forgot that I know enough stuff about her, and the things I've seen her do, to possibly get her fired. She fucked with the wrong faggot.) I told Joel that if he speaks to me, looks at me, approaches me, or contacts me- he will be in jail. (I was to notify the police on his return. He is here, but has honored my demands.) The roomates that have exploited me and been rude and standoffish since the moment I've moved in (except when they want something from me) will be waiting for their utility money for quite a long time. I have it right now at this moment- but it seems to me that I am the only goddamn person in this world that does things because "its the right thing to do". It makes me not want to do them anymore- at least, not to the people that do bad things. I will not become a tyrant- but I've learned that this is a tough goddamn world sometimes, and you can't be a peaceful, loving pussy all the time if you want to survive. These bitches want to play games, and so they will be played. But I am focused on not letting these people, and these experiences, turn me into anything like them. I found some people in San Diego (and my great aunt, as well) that are willing to trade work for housing while I find a new job and get on my feet. I also received an offer of free rent for three months from a girl I know that is moving to San Francisco. Although I have always, always wanted to move to San Francisco, this girl is also a sister of one of the girls I have been writing about at my job, and I'm afraid that this life may follow me if I move in with her. (Although she won't be asking me for work in return for rent, I would rather work harder for my housing and be free of my life here entirely.) San Diego is sunny and warm- and although it is a city, I've heard that it has more of a small town feel. The men are beautiful, the porn is fantastic, and there is much money to be made there. I will be flying down to San Diego on the 15th and staying for a week- I will be job hunting, sight seeing, sun bathing, and visiting with family I have yet to have the opportunity to get to know. I am excited as all hell- and although I am broke, I will be spending some of the money I do have on a few new outfits (I can't go to San Diego looking like broke, Reno trash, can I?), some new swimming trunks, some Crest Whitestrips, and some good sunblock. I am planning on being moved out of this room by the time I leave (which means I better get my ass packing today) and moving the stuff I want to keep to my mother's house in Fallon. She also has some friends that will work on my van for me, as when I do make the final move down there, I don't want to break down on a 10 hour trip halfway between San Diego and Reno. My darling girl, Julia- I am unsure what to do with. I love her more than I can ever express in words (and that is a significant statement if it's coming from a writer), but I am unsure about my ability to take her with me. Although I believe that when you adopt an animal, you make a vow to them to take care of them and love them to the best of your ability for the rest of their lives- I am unsure as to if bringing her with me, or leaving her with my Mom and little brother (who don't even have a real yard for her to graze) will be the best thing for her. I'm feeling as though by leaving her with my Mom (so I may keep her, and eventually move her down to San Diego) will be selfish of me. I feel that I will be putting my own interests ahead of hers. Even if I were to find a place that will allow me to have her in San Diego (she is a full bred pitt bull), I plan on not only working a lot, but getting back into school (another reason why I'm leaving- my scholarship expired, or will be soon) and I don't think that I will have the time for her that she truly deserves. She is honestly the sweetest, and most loving and wonderful animal I have ever had in my life- I feel that she deserves a whole lot more than what I can give her (and more than my family can give her). I love her too much to keep her. And I love myself too much to stay here. These changes will be hard, uncomfortable, scary, uncertain, and challenging. But successful people do not become successful by being afraid to take risks. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. And I believe in myself more now than I ever have before. Fuck you, Reno, Nevada. Peace out.

I never made vows to never smoke another cigarette, or to never ingest another ounce of alcohol- however, I did make vows to diligently work towards continual self-transformation and improvement, and it is when you trip and stumble harder than you thought you would is when you learn. I've learned, but I hope that it doesn't take making the same mistakes over and over again in order for me to finally and completely understand.

I am always moving forward, but I expect a lot from myself, because I know what I am capable of, and I know the pace at which I can achieve my goals and dreams. I disappoint no one but myself (not that I owe a single breath of explanation or apology for the way I decide to live my life to anyone).

I know I am learning and growing and moving forward- but I must first master myself and my own being. Once this takes place, the other domains of my life and existance on this earth will fall into place- not only love and romance (which is the last thing on my mind right now), but also career and finance, education, friendships, health.

I have a feeling that I will no longer be a habitual smoker three months from now. The relationship I am developing with the air, my body, and my mind is leading me to want to end the addiction. I want no dependence on anyone or anything but the earth and myself.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.